It feels like more and more people are being diagnosed with ADHD. I can’t tell if this is due to more access to specialists, more public knowledge about the disorder, or if perhaps our lifestyles are contributing to it. Is technology making our brains so used to that instant dopamine hit that it is causing an alteration in the neuropathways? Regardless, this post is about my experience with ADHD thus far as a 41-year-old woman who was diagnosed at 38… I think.

I know almost everyone has ADHD now, and I don’t mean to judge, but it seems like the majority are struggling with remembering things and self motivation, which can be a pretty large piece to ADHD. 

• A never-ending graveyard of unfinished projects. These are things I would spend hundreds or thousands of dollars on after spending days to weeks researching the best of the best only to become bored with it once all of the planning was complete and the items were purchased.
  • DIY keyboards – I have a partially finished Dactyl Manuform keyboard from DIYKeyboards and a soldering iron that I purchased specifically for this project. This keyboard was around 400 or 500 bucks all said and done. 
  • Sewing. I have a Cover Stitch machine that I bought 5 or 6 years ago and I only came around to using a month or so ago. I don’t know how to use it and keep fucking up my projects. I also have a sewing machine,  ribbon makers, a very fancy iron, and multiple other top-notch supplies that I am sure a seamstress would be delighted with. Thousands of dollars in the toilet.
  • Knitting. I knitted for a very long time in actuality, but one day I just stopped. I spent thousands on knitting. Suprisingly, the yarn is the most expensive pieces of this. Handknit sweaters are worth hundreds of dollars in supplies alone, plus dozens — if not hundreds — of hours. 
  • Podcasting. I have so much podcasting equipment and just no desire to overcome the overwhelming sense that comes with trying to find the time and dedicated space for this. 
  • Canning. I have enough equipment to can enough food to last my family at least one year. 
• Emotional dysregulation. It takes a lot to get me genuinely angry or upset with someone or something, but there are a few caveats:
  • Overstimulation by way of sounds and constant demands. If 2 kids are talking to me at the same time, I can tolerate it for a few minutes no problem, but when I am not given time to reprieve or process the information being thrown at me (sensory processing disorder); I enter into fight or flight and sometimes will yell to get them to stop. It doesn’t happen too often, but it is definitely more likely to happen in a store/public place. My youngest has very obvious ADHD and is always bouncing around and making sounds; is unable to read social cues as she is too busy being oblivious to her surroundings. She is 8 and I still find myself trying to prevent her untimely demise because she is completely oblivious to dangers around her. She is too caught up in her own mind and being distracted by all of the shiny objects around her.
  • Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. I used to fly off the handle with any perceived rejection. I would go so far as to plan out a suicide plan. In 2022, I even went so far as to attempt it. The episodes would generally end within a few hours or days when I would be able to calm enough to use CBT or DBT on myself and know that the thoughts in my head were irrational.
    • These thoughts would be finite like “There is no recovery from this,” or “the only way out is to kill myself.” In these episodes, you cannot think rationally and can only think of the absolute worst-case scenario. Rejection is hard on most people but for people with RSD, it can be fatal as the brain has so many cooccurring instances of negative worst-case scenarios that it is almost impossible to see the other side of things. 
    • When I was younger, if someone’s energy shifted or changed at all, I would take it personally and sometimes talk myself into an episode of RSD. This is also common for people with anxiety. Particularly those who reference themselves as “Empaths,” which is just a fancy way of saying you think you are a mind reader and know what a person is thinking in these cases of perceived rejection.
      • I now understand that I am not a mind reader and I do not know how someone is feeling based on their energy or behaviour. We can usually guess when someone is preoccupied or upset, of course, but in most cases we are just guessing until we actually have a conversation with the person. 
      • A friend passes you by on the street, looks directly at you, but doesn’t wave back as you are actively waving at them… You can take this personally as rejection… Or you can have a conversation with them about it and ask if anything is wrong. You will then find out that they didn’t have their contacts on or their glasses on and did not recognize the moving object in the distance… As an example of how we can sometimes make mountains out of molehills. 
• Unintentional weight loss or inability to gain weight? No, just because you eat a massive dinner, you cannot gain or maintain weight. You have to eat throughout the day in order to consume enough calories to meet your caloric needs.  You aren’t naturally skinny, you just forget to eat. The hunger comes but is quickly forgotten as we get into hyper-focus mode or we just can’t overcome that threshold of motivation to get up and feed ourselves.
• Massive bladder capacity. Ignoring body signals to the point of overgrowing my bladder’s capacity. This isn’t an issue at this moment in time, but it certainly can become one when I am older as a distended bladder can contribute to something called retention incontinence or repeated urinary tract infections as the bladder never fully empties itself. 
• “Time blindness.” Forgetting important dates and always being late. I know this one rubs a lot of neurotypicals the wrong way, but time blindness is legit. I went through most of my adult life at the point of diagnosis thinking that I was unlucky with my time management. Even when I tried hard and left early than I thought I needed to; it would end up with me being late.
  • I failed to account for time it takes to get from the place I am at to the vehicle, itself, and from my vehicle to the destination. The commute time itself was all I really relied on as I always thought that the travel to and from the vehicle was like one or two minutes, but I also forget to…
  • Include the time it takes for me to gather the last-minute things like finding the car keys, grabbing my lunch, using the bathroom one last time if necessary, putting my shoes on, gathering the kids up, etc.
  • I also felt that some tasks took way longer than they did or I would think some would take way less time. Like I would think that I could fit a shower into a 15 minute time block; this neglects the time it takes to dry off, get into new clothes, apply moisturizer as needed, and throw on some mascara. Showering in total is closer to 25 minutes than 15 minutes for me. 
  • Out of site, out of mind; I would forget major appointments completely. Even if I reminded myself of them two hours previously, I would completely forget about them. 
• That’s all for now… This was just a brain purge.